To my love, Company,
There are certain factors that change the complexities of saudade into a simple form, highlighted rather by the curse of ignorance which can distract one from the infinite abyss of their mind. You, my dear, took swiftly to that train; and instead of gazing mournfully at the stars, you sealed off all of your doubts and focused inwards on the cages of material, expendable joys, which led to my departure.
When I left it was almost like a whisper of regret escaping your body, and all of the fibers of your hair stood on end in refrained silence... I miss the curves of your phaneron and the distinct role entropy played within it. I felt the presence of many lives existing on your breath as I was breathing through you, your corrupted lungs expanding with my mere touch; and the simultaneous shattering of those dreams somehow completed me.
I know upon meeting, your was long hair pulled back from your neck and your throat almost ached in pressing against your skin, I wanted to feel how the ache moved from your heart through your veins, I wanted your tears to become mine. And so, I closed upon you like a cloud of indignation, and that which you could not reciprocate was balanced by your yearning for the emptiness inside you to be shrouded instead by feelings of guilt and angst... Lost promises, bleak goodbyes, broken sentiments all pressed within like a ball of clay being molded by the hands of Fate. I know your bones all screamed with the inability to seize opportunities when they arose, and those moments that you could no longer capture was resolved with the existence of my failures.
Although I caused a form of cancer in your soul, I am a gentleman, and I take your warnings seriously... I know your short happiness will disappear soon anyway. Until then, I've been contemplating efficacy and the very breaches of time in which one can lose themselves in bleak cracks in the sidewalk. I've always been afraid of waiting on someone to crack open my hard shell and let my aura dissaperate into electromagnetic energy; but I want to become one with the atmosphere and flutter in random patterns until our atoms intertwine. You don't understand that now, but death is a dream life is infinitely waking up from, and I want that for you. I know when you are listening, my words will fall like bitter candies into your hungry ears.
It is as if there is an entire ocean within me that thrashes about in search of some form of beauty; I'm done with passion because there is nothing exactly comparable to the lack of appreciation you can have for something that isn't me, or what you think I am... Call me crazy, but there is nothing left to reveal when the skin of our bodies is peeled back. With or without you, I am true nothingness, in a sad world that we were all raised in, where truth and lies both end where they begin. I am perpetually plagued to seek out some sense of wholeness, but of course that is a fallacy, and with you at least both of our nothingness can expand further into numb space. I wish to envelop you entirely, for your dim luster attracts all of the melancholy mermaids within me to the abandoned boardwalks you breach.
You are my eternal companion, my fellow nothingness, my empty space of longing. My return is inevitable just as the tears on your face with surely dry into crisps as the starlight consumes them.
My only question for you is this: Will I ever succeed in the conclusion of your heart?
With achingly frigid love,
Misery
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